Hello hormones, is it me you’re looking for? Hhmmm. I feel so down and empty the past few days. Many things are juggling on inside my head, I want to write this blog and that blog but all I can do was just start and can’t even write the 2nd line.
Before, I always tell my Mama and my daughter and almost everybody else, BE POSITIVE, don’t let negative thoughts get in your way because it’s not good, you are just attracting negative energies blah, blah, blah. I don’t know what happened to my positive thinking, aura and all the positives in the world.
Few days ago I have this feeling of “kinakabahan bigla” uneasiness and nervousness. Blame it on the coffee? I guess not, I only have a cup or two a day, when I wake up and late afternoon. It’s not brewed coffee even, it’s just Nescafe with creamer or milk. The other night when I had my dinner at 12 midnight, YES, you heard it right, dinner at 12 midnight with the usual chitchat with kababayans here in the house, I suddenly felt the same feeling and what came to my mind were my Mama and my daughter. After an hour, I called up the house and knew that Mama was not feeling well. I called up my daughter too who is having a summer vacation at her other grandma’s house and she’s fine and still the bubbly Krystal.
This morning around 1 a.m., again, I felt the same feeling. I scanned my thoughts of my day’s activities, how many cups of coffees I sipped today? Hhmm 1 cup only, gooodddd, so it’s not the caffeine’s fault. Work related, maybe so, lot’s of paper work, same thing everyday. I called up Mama and all of those close to my heart, unfortunately some were not available including my daughter whose mobile phone was unreachable.
Yesterday’s talk with my daughter was like this, Mama, I am so excited of your coming home, I miss you Mama, I love you. I replied, I miss you too Ate (Ate meaning elder sister or a polite term for older female) -she wanted me to call her this when she was 3 years old and so that her younger cousins will call her ate too).
I asked her, are you excited of my going home or because of the trip to Hong Kong? She replied, both hehehe. I told her, you should pray to God harder that you and Lola’s passport will be released on time otherwise, you will be left behind as I will really go to Hong Kong with or without you. The reply I expected from her was like that of she will whine and say, don’t go if we can’t go but her reply caught me by surprise, she said, we will get it on time, BE POSITIVE, MAMA.
Suddenly, I felt I was back to myself from a long trans. “Be positive Mama” struck me by surprise as this was my line before and I did not apply this recently. Before when I was still working at Julie’s Fast food and I anticipate the day would be so damn hectic, upon waking up and before taking a shower, I look at myself in the mirror and say, “today I will be happy, today will be a good day, I am beautiful and I will have a beautiful day, I will not let negative thoughts consume me”. Psychological it may seem but it did made my days positive as far as I can remember.
We all have our share of life’s ups and downs. At times we feel so alone and empty like the whole world is on our shoulder, nobody to cry and lean on, nobody to talk with, nobody cares, etc. etc. Individuals who are emotionally weak resort to drastic moves by taking their own lives. Things are easier said than done but if we try to live the positive thinking one day at a time, I guess at least, we lessen the stress we accumulate each day.
Few months ago, after we divulge Mama’s real condition to her about the status of her breast cancer, there were times that when I called her up she will say with a happy heart, “I am beautiful and I am healthy”. I hope she will keep this positive aura even when she feels pain or when the time that pain will slowly eat her up because lately, her tone has changed from that happy voice to a weak , painful one.
In front of the mirror I will tell this to my reflection again, “I am beautiful and I will have a beautiful and fruitful day”. In this chaotic world, all we can do is just to stay positive. Yes, easier said than done but being positive gives a sense of hope. So, be positive.
Everytime I feel down and out, all I do was just bend my knees, bow my head and talk to GOD. HE has never failed me.