I will be home in the Philippines soon, availing my annual vacation. The excitement I felt the past few days turend into some sort of unfathomable sadness, helplessness and despair. I have lined up activities for us specially the Hong Kong trip although their passports were still not yet released until now but we were not losing hope.
Early this year, me and mama’s Oncologist discussed on things and possibilities. I mentioned to the doctor about mama’s unwillingness to go further treatment and laboratory tests as last January while having her MRI, she had a mild attack (doctors said it was mild heart attack) and was unconscious for 8 hours. From there, she declined all laboratory tests and said, she will only do so if I am there with her.
The Oncologist told me, just give what your mother wants at this time. If she wants to go to places and if you have the means then go. So I told the doctor, I will go home in May or June but he said, that is too far, why don’t you do it now? When your mother still has the strength to appreciate the vacation. I told him I can’t because my vacation is on May. Then he said, May or June might be too late for her. As for her condition, you will see she is A ok now, but you don’t know what will happen the next day. (the doctor said she will have a year or less than a year to be with us) I did not believe the doctor and told him, she will be fine doc. I was so positive that Mama will be fine and can make the planned holiday I was preparing for her.
The succeeding discussion I had with the doctor, he told me that these days, we will just focus on how to relieve or alleviate the pain she is experiencing.
Lately, Mama’s condition is getting worst. I know she is hiding something from me every time I call her. She always wear a smile and says don’t worry about me I am fine and I am healthy. Always carrying the positive attitude with her. Few days ago, she was not able to talk to me on the phone because she was confined to her bed and was complaining of pain on her chest where the bone cancer is located. (Mama has stage IV breast cancer that has metastasized to her bone and recently to both lungs)
Today, I called up and asked her about what she felt. It’s only now that I knew that she can’t get out of bed without the help and even need assistance in changing her clothes. Raising her hand is already an effort for her. Her pain reliever is not doing good to her anymore too. She has to increase the dosage or change it to a more stronger one.
For months and years, I have been trying and searching the internet for clinics that offer free or less medical fees for patients with cancer. I knew that Singapore have good clinics in terms of cancer and that is one reason why I wanted to go to Singapore. To check on whether I can get some help or some medicines or just anything to relieve her pain.
They said bone cancer is one of the most painful cancer one has to endure. Though some said, even if I am facing this kind of crisis, I also need to unwind to release stress.
Many people find me as a strong person. Having a positive attitude is helpful but it is easier said that done when you are actually in the middle of this bout with cancer. I always project myself with a smile and a positive attitude. But what they don’t actually know is that I am dying inside.
Mama, please hold on. I love you Mama.